Have you been wanting to set yourself free?? I can relate with you.
Here’s my story.
Argggghhhhhhh… (staring at the laptop screen)
“Hey March, don’t you even dare click that site!” (Talking to self) “Ughhhhhh…But I need to satisfy this desire. It’s hard..but…”
Until I just found myself losing track of my thoughts.
The next thing I knew, I would already devour to watching this pornographic material online.
That went on and on. It was like a cycle.
Boy was it hard…Really hard!
Week in and week out, there was always this day that I would succumb to what used to be my single biggest struggle.
I thought of ending it several times. But I would always end up losing!
And every time I would fall, I would feel bad. I felt unclean.
That was how I struggled with pornography.
That was years ago when I didn’t know any better.
I wanted to achieve purity.
I tried to seek the help of a priest. I would go to confession regularly then.
I remember going to confession every Friday. But come Tuesday, I would fall. Then go to confession again on Friday. And the cycle went on and on.
I would confess to the same priest. At times, I would hear the priest tell me something along these lines…
“It’s the same sin again?”
Until I got tired because I thought I was not progressing at all.
But the struggle just got real!
And every time I would fall, I would imagine God’s face frowning. I would imagine God pointing His finger at me.
I had this distorted image of Him.
And because I had imagined a judgemental GOD, I had a hard time forgiving myself.
I believed I’m not worthy of the success this world has to offer. And true enough I was not reaching my fullest potential.
Until one time, after attending a mass in another parish, I felt the need to go back to confession…
I shared my struggle with the priest and why I stopped going to confession.
After sharing my struggle, I heard the priest said something along this…
“Son, do you take a bath?”
I was taken aback when he asked this.
“Of course Father. What made you asked that?”, while slowly smelling myself if I indeed stink. 😀 “How many times do you take a bath?”, Father continued.
With a faint voice, I said, “Every day, Father.”
The priest’s next question made me wonder.
“Son, why do you think you take a bath everyday?” “Because everyday, I would get dirty. And I need to be washed clean”, I replied. “Son, that’s also how He is to us. He expects that we are not perfect that’s why every now and then He knows that we would get dirty. Hence, the need to go to confession.”
That was like a wake-up call for me!
“He doesn’t expect you to be perfect. He just wants you to keep coming back when you fall.
He doesn’t keep a record of your wrong. He’s always there wanting to embrace you”, continued the priest.
“That’s how He loves you. You’re more valuable than you think you are. “
That was when I realized my value. Only then did I change my perception of Him.
I realized that I had a distorted perception of God all this time.
I thought He was judgemental. I thought He was a condemning God.
When I accepted His love, that was when slowly I got healed. It’s one of the best feelings having to conquer my inner struggle!
His love changed me.
Are you going through something right now? It may not be porn but it may be a different kind of struggle…
…and for the longest time, you long to set yourself free.
Perhaps it’s about time you change your disordered perception of Him.
He also wants you to set you free!
You may think that you’re not worthy of His love.
That you don’t deserve all the good things this world has to offer.
But can I tell you something??
He’s not mad at you. As a matter of fact, He’s been waiting for you to come back.
You may have turned your back on Him, but He will never turn His back on you.
Only He can wash you.
He made you and He knows how to heal you.
And don’t you ever forget about this.
You’re more valuable than you think you are.
Now go, set yourself free!